How life changes.

I was up on stage with a pointer and gathered around me were the intellects from across the world.

That is what I had dreamt of achieving but now I look at myself and its quite daunting where life can just halt. Back in my school days, if someone ever told me that that I would be aimless and jobless at the peak time of my life. I would have probably laughed at them and scoffed them off saying- speak for yourself. But strange are this very ways of life. People, I thought who would made it to the top simmered away in crowd.

Every time I decide to write something I wonder if I can write about anything besides myself and if all my thoughts, profound as they may be will find a space in the plethora of blogs and web diaries. Do I care if anyone reads them? Maybe someone will find some association in my thoughts, although muddled and raw. Maybe someone like me will find solace in knowing that they are not the only one. Who knows?

I use to have friends that I really cared about, ideas I was passionate about, things that mattered to me, I had a plan in life and I thought I knew where I was heading. Now all those plans and everything else just seems like useless rantings of the heart.

Failure and ambition, both who I seem to know dearly is something that can drive you to do things that you never thought you will, it can bring out the best and worst in you. In my case, the former worked to my advantage while the latter just dragged me to a never ending saga of speculation. As a kid I had to practice a lot of cursive writing and I remember writing pages of phrases. One said 'failures are the stepping stones to success' it never occurred to me once that those very words I wrote over and over again will actually make sense in my life. Indeed, failure did bring a change to my life but as I rose up, my ambition got ahead and left me in the lurches hiding away from the real world. Shame, I can't even acknowledge my own mistakes. My only consolation prize is a dear who still constantly pushes me to lay everything I have to make a difference in my life.If it wasn't for him I don't think I would have pushed myself to vent out this very feelings that I so shamelessly publish it online. Maybe I just don't care anymore about how much is private anymore as long as I get to rant it out somewhere or maybe I just need to write it down to find closure.

I have an ego the size of an ostrich egg and the patience of a 2 year old yuppie and where do you suppose I'll fit in the maze of the society especially one that is radical and ridicule. I tell myself everyday 'today is the day', this my time and I shall have it the way I want it and this is how it will all work out. Now I find it just like careless whispers that I don't believe in it either.

I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with everything. A very famous song from Abba's greatest hits. I remember my teacher telling me that one should always dream big, aim for the stars and never look back. Learn from your mistakes but never hold back. He said I was someone who had everything to go reach out for the stars and proud as I was, never thought about otherwise. It was a time where everything was about me and my thoughts and my ideas and funnily enough things haven't really moved forward, have they?? it is still about me and my dreams. Such are complex issues that surrounds the epitome of success.